Why Did You
...?
by Shaunti Feldman
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but
only
what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may
benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)
Shelly pulled up in her wet driveway after a beach
getaway
with girlfriends. She smiled, thinking, it's a shame the rain chased us
away
early, but at least I know the house is still
standing.
She opened the door and tripped over a pile of
schoolbooks. What on earth? Speechless, she stared at clutter
everywhere. Cans of food and spaghetti sauce were stacked high on the island
in
the kitchen. Empty packets of Ramen noodles decorated the counter. The tool
drawer had been emptied onto the kitchen table.
An angry cry escaped her lips and a muffled
exclamation
came from the laundry room. Her husband stuck his head out the door, looking
chagrined. "You're home early!"
"Yes I'm home early!" Shelly waved around at the
chaos. "I
can't believe this! Why did you let it get this bad? And why were you
feeding
the kids instant noodles instead of something
healthier?"
Without a word, Marcus pushed the door to the laundry
room
wide open and stepped aside so she could enter.
Furious, she stalked past him-and rocked to a stop.
The
back corner of the laundry room had been turned into a pantry. Fresh-cut
wood
shelves stacked up to the ceiling. Deep drawers were waiting to be slotted
into
a rolling rack. Dust sheets covered the washer and dryer, which were piled
with
food cans and packets, ready to be placed on the shelves of the
pantry.
The pantry she had longed for.
Shelly closed her eyes. Mortified, all she could say
was
"I'm so sorry."
Shelly told me this story a week after it happened. I
was
speaking at her church's women's conference, sharing my research on the
inner
thoughts, needs and fears of men. I shared that men want above all to please
those who matter most to them-especially a wife or girlfriend-but privately
doubt themselves and are deeply sensitive as to whether they are doing a
good
job. So when women start a sentence with "Why did you. . .?," men hear, "Why
did
you do that, you dodo?"
Shelly's story is a perfect example of how easy it is
to
think, "You dodo." Not think, "There must be a good reason for this-even if
I
don't see it at this moment." Instead, like many of us, she was quick to
assume
there wasn't a good reason, that he didn't do a good job.
And
she verbalized those damaging thoughts.
Ephesians 4:29 tells us to be careful to only say things that
are
useful for building others up. While this applies to everyone in our lives,
if
we are married, it's especially vital to practice with our
husbands.
Most situations with the men in our lives aren't as
extreme as Shelly's experience. But versions of this scenario
happen
often. "Why did you give the kids juice instead of milk?" "Why did you take
that
road instead of this one?" "Why did you choose that strategy for the
business
deal?" We may protest that it is a harmless question, but all too often, it
is
code for "What were you thinking!?" Which itself is code for "You obviously
weren't thinking."
The reality is, the reverse is usually true.
Eighty-two
percent of men surveyed say they always think things through ...
and
purposefully consider the reaction of their wife or girlfriend before making
a
decision.
The next time you are confounded by your husband,
instead
of a rash reaction, slow down and remind yourself: his heart is probably in
the
right place and his choices are likely made with that in mind. And if you
need
help ... just remember the pantry.
Dear Jesus, forgive me for being quick to judge and assume the
worst about the man in my life. Please teach me to slow down and listen to
him,
and [if married] to trust in his love. In Your Name,
Amen.
Oh How I Love JESUS
1. There is a name I love to hear,
I love to sing its worth;
it sounds like music in my ear,
the sweetest name on earth.
Refrain:
O how I love Jesus,
O how I love Jesus,
O how I love Jesus,
because he first loved me!
2. It tells me of a Savior's love,
who died to set me free;
it tells me of his precious blood,
the sinner's perfect plea.
(Refrain)
3. It tells of one whose loving heart
can feel my deepest woe;
who in each sorrow bears a part
that none can bear below.
(Refrain)
Daily Smile:
A man was sitting at an interview, in his new suit, looking his very
best. As he put his hands down to make a point, he and his interviewer
noticed the price tag was still attached to the sleeve.
"Well", the man
said, "at least I can take the suit back if I don't get the job.
In The News:
More Americans Now See Homosexuality as Orientation From Birth
Currently, 47 percent of Americans view being gay or lesbian as a
sexual orientation individuals are born with, while 33 percent instead
believe it is due to external factors such as upbringing or environment,
according to a
new Gallup poll.
That 14-percentage-point gap in favor of "nature" over "nurture" is the
largest Gallup has measured to date. As recently as two years ago, the
public was evenly divided. The poll also found that 65 percent of
Americans believe gay or lesbian relations between consenting adults
should be legal -- numerically the highest Gallup has measured by one
percentage point, but not materially different from what Gallup has
measured for the past three years. Americans' support for legal gay
marriage has also solidified above 50 percent.
Boy Scouts of America Approaches Vote on Gay Membership
Next Thursday, some 1,400 members of Boy Scouts of America's national
council are expected to vote on the resolution seeking to revise the
organization's membership policy on homosexuality at their
annual meeting in Grapevine, Texas. If accepted,
the resolution would
lift an existing ban on youth who are "open or avowed" homosexuals. A
ban on adult leaders, however, would remain in place. "There is going to
be a showdown in Grapevine Texas," said Cathy Ruse, senior legal fellow
at Family Research Council, on Tuesday. "There are troubling reports of
an influx of delegates. Votes at meetings are done by voice votes, this
time it will be paper ballots filled out in delegates' hotel rooms and
counted by friends of the BSA executive,"
said Ruse
in describing what she believes is a calculated and elaborate push to
deceive the organization's delegates to support the resolution.