If you relocated your family out
of the area, I would understand. We all need a church in our own
community. If you had unresolved conflict with someone after doing all
you could to resolve it, I would extend grace. Even when we attempt to
reconcile, that can still happen. And if you left because you were
hoping to find a better program for your kids, I would ask what you are
doing to shape the lives of your children.
But chances are your reason for leaving was: "I wasn't being fed
spiritually." And that would make you like most people I’ve talked to.
As a pastor's wife for more than 20 years, I can't tell you how many
times I've heard someone say they are looking for a new church because
they weren’t being fed. I didn’t hear it being said about my husband (at
least not directly) but from others about why they were checking out
our church, why they hadn't yet found a church, or why they have nearly
given up on church altogether.
I fear we are becoming a society of selfish Christians when we base our
reasons for staying in or leaving a church on the question “what’s in
it for me?”
Here are three things to consider the next time you are thinking about leaving your church:
1. Church is about more than your pastor.
Is your pastor’s teaching -- or whether or not you like him personally
or are feeling connected with him -- your reason for staying or leaving?
If so, you have placed an unfair and unreasonable burden on him. Your
pastor is certainly not capable of being ALL things -- a great teacher
and expositor of the Word, a top administrator, a superb vision-caster,
a gentle and compassionate counselor, a dynamic people person, a
detail-oriented leader, and so on. And therefore, he can’t possibly meet
all your expectations. It is inevitable that he will eventually
disappoint you in one way or another. He is human. And prayerfully he
will be the first to admit it. A true man of God is humble in his
calling and wouldn’t want to be the reason you stay at your church,
either. If the Word of God is not being taught, that’s reason to find a
church where it is being taught. But if it’s taught in a different
style, or you don’t feel you’re getting enough of the Word to grow
spiritually, read the second point.
2. Church is about where you serve.
Some friends of mine just received news that their pastor of 16 years
accepted a call at a different church a few thousand miles away. He
came to California to plant a church on the West Coast and now that he
has faithfully done what he was called to do, he is moving his family
back to the South where he and his wife grew up to pastor the church in
which he was raised and to be near their aging parents in this season of
life.
Once I talked with my friends I heard their reservations. “We came here
for his preaching. We need to be in a church where we are fed. We'll
see how it goes. We'll see if the new guy will feed us.“
If our idea of spiritual food is a 40-minute sermon on Sundays, then we
need to learn to feed ourselves, not find another church – or pastor –
to do our feeding. It isn’t a pastor's responsibility to keep you
spiritually fed and healthy on a weekly sermon. Prayerfully, you are
feeding yourself through regular reading and study of the Word of God,
discipleship and accountability from someone other than your your
pastor, and service that is shaping you into the image of Christ.
Also, If you trust that God led your pastor to your church in the first
place, can you trust when He leads him out of your church and brings
someone else to fill his spot? Instead of asking "Will the next guy feed
me?" a better question to ask is "How can I encourage and serve this
body while we wait for God's appointed person to arrive?"
Hebrews 10:24 instructs: “and let us consider how to stimulate one
another to love and good deeds” (NASB). If everyone who comes through
the doors of your church merely sits and listens, rather than exhorts
and serves, you have a lecture series, a comedy club, or a weekly Bible
class. Church is more about where you serve, than where you're fed.
3. Church is about a sense of family.
The church – a body of believers – is about a sense of family and
community. It is about being with those you love and serve because God
has called you to a family. When we have problems with a family member,
we work it out, instead of leaving the family. When we find other people
we like better than our family we don’t just ditch the family. If we
are truly functioning as the New Testament commands a church to
function, every part of the body is needed and if one part of the body
hurt – or leaves – the rest of the body will feel it (1 Corinthians
12:18-20). Do you see your church as your family? Your community?
Christ’s extended body through which we can know and serve Him better?
If not, chances are you won’t see your next church as a family either.
If you are thinking about leaving your church, I would ask you to consider three questions:
1) Is the Word of God still being taught, obeyed, and honored here?
2) Is my service, encouragement, and spiritual giftedness needed here?
3) How can I most effectively help build up this body where God has placed me?
Sometimes God will call us elsewhere to serve Him because of what we
can uniquely offer another body of believers. But God will not call us
away from a church for our own personal gain. When we take the focus off
of ourselves by no longer asking "what's in it for me?" and start
asking God "where can I serve You?" we might have a clearer indication
of where He is calling and how He wants to use us.
Cindi McMenamin has been a pastor’s wife for more
than 20 years. She is a national women’s conference speaker and author
of several books, including When a Woman Overcomes Life’s Hurts, When God Sees Your Tears, and When Couples Walk Together,
which she co-authored with her husband, Hugh. She and her family live
in Southern California. For more on her ministry and books to strengthen
your soul, marriage, and parenting, see her website, StrengthForTheSoul.com.
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