Dr. John
Townsend
When my wife, Barbi, and I were first married, we had
conflicts
about conflict. Looking back, it's kind of funny because I later went on to
write a Christian relationship book called Boundaries in Marriage.
Imagine watching us have boundary conversations about how bad our marriage
boundaries were.
Barbi's approach to conflict was to avoid it. My approach
tended
to be more blunt. We'd talk about a problem, and it wouldn't go well. One of
us
would misunderstand, we would pull away from each other and the problem
wouldn't
get solved.
One day I asked Barbi, "When we argue, I never stop loving
you. Is
there anything I can do to make this better for you?"
She thought a minute and said, "Maybe if you let me know you
love
me before you confront me, that might help."
That was a good idea, so I agreed. The next time I wanted to
have
a talk with her about a concern, I walked in the room and said something
like,
"Honey, I just want to let you know I really care about you, and I hope you
feel
safe with me." Then when I brought up the problem, things went better for
her
and for us.
This method of having successful conversations went on for a
while. As time passed, however, something changed. I needed to bring up an
issue, so I began with, "Honey, I just want you to know..." Barbi said,
"Stop!
It's okay. I know you love me; just get to the problem."
We had a good laugh about it. Over time, she began feeling
safe
enough not to need reassurance before each conversation. She realized I
loved
her even in the midst of confrontation, and she was ready to go straight to
problem solving.
When God created marriage, He gave us one of His best gifts.
He
provided a permanent and safe connection for a man and a woman to experience
love, joy, meaning and purpose together. Genesis 2:24 says, "For this reason a man shall
leave
his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become
one
flesh" (NASB). God designed marriage to be a whole-person
connection. This means that, more than in any other human relationship,
every
part of you ideally is to connect and cleave to every part of your spouse.
The
love you share should be complete as you intertwine your lives and emotions
around each other.
Because marriage is such a wonderful type of relationship,
confrontation within the marital relationship is very important. Who is
better
qualified to understand and speak to someone about a problem than the person
living life right next to him? You are intimately involved with him. You see
the
real person, imperfections and all. More than anyone, a spouse should be
able to
see what her partner's true problems are.
Marriage is not about making each other happy; it is about
growing
and helping one's spouse to grow. Happiness can and does come to a good
marriage. However, it is a byproduct of growth and life — not the
goal.
Confrontation brings empowerment, which is the ability to make
choices and changes in your relationship. God created all of us to be change
agents for each other. We have a responsibility to influence the people in
our
lives to be the best possible people they can be. For instance, 1 Thessalonians 5:11a says, "Therefore encourage one
another
and build each other up" (NIV).
As Barbi and I have learned to confront each other lovingly,
directly and effectively, we are often pleased in the change not only in our
marriage but also in ourselves. We feel a sense of power that we can make
changes and that we have choices. God designed all of us to connect and act,
and
confrontation helps put the "act" into the connection.
Lord, thank You for the blessing of earthly marriage to
display
Your heavenly love for me. May I value marriage as all that You designed it
to
be. Help me move past seeking personal happiness and strive to develop
growth in
myself and my spouse. I trust You to guide my words and actions when
conflict
arises so that it can be an opportunity to connect in a deeper way. In
Jesus'
Name, Amen.
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